Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

Her: What superpower would you choose?

Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.

Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.

I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.

– Bear suicide note.

If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .

This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.

the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out

I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”

[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*

*glues old gears and cogs to chair*

*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey

Judge: Order in the court

[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.

In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table

I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule

Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.