Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?

me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets

manager: can I talk to you

Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.

It’s science.

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me “William, HELLO!”

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude

Friend: What type of dr?

Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*

My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.

Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.

REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore

Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition

Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.

“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”

*Googles my ex’s house*

ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god

*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*

Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company