What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
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i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.