Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
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Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?