Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!

meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door

IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough

*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*

If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.

*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*

Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression

Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-

Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE

wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.

BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

A door was tried in court.

It was an open and shut case.

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

same but as an audience member

Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown

Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life

Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.