I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
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Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first