who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
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[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Investing in beetcoin
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there