Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low

The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles

SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR

Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading

Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!

My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.

It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.

Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!

(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.