not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
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Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.