Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
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Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce