Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
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great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
These 3D printers are insane!
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.