Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get

[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence

At Walmart during the holidays like..

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.

*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore

*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.

me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby

the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!

Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”