ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
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If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
my nickname in college
🤣
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place