Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: I use bad words

Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here

Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear

*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.

“Have you tried drinking more water?”

is the new

“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”

of health advice.

I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.

KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get

Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced

My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.

Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China

You had me at “Bathes regularly”.

A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

When I have sex with someone I high Five them.

*slaps hands together.

Just me?

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes

me: i wish for unlimited genies

genie: son of a

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

ME: Tell me my future.

PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.

ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!

[3 years from now]

I can’t believe it’s still 2020.

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”