Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[13th century]

[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]

me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said

Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese

Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs

hair stylist: *visibly pales

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.

Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

“I took care of your clown problem.”

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic

🙁

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

Mountain Goat : )

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say