this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
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Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds