i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
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Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
The hardest thing Vision has to do
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
#JohnTravolta
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know