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Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
You know…for fall…
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?