Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.

Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’

Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

“Describe your last relationship.”

Tired: like two ships passing in the night.

Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.

If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!

Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you

John Denver: Almost heaven-

Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing

John Denver: -West Virginia

Me: Ok

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him

40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business

uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.