Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fiction has to make sense.

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing

*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty

*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner

*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple

Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.

Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!

but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something

[Later on date]

ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through

Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead

my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

oh u like geography? name every lake