Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around

Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past

I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

me: how much is the funny smelling spray

clerk: perfume?

me: no the whole bottle

You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.

Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.

Important

Me: HALLOWEEN!!!

Ween: Hallo!

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother

Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on

The hardest things to say:

(1) I need help

(2) Worcestershire

literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”

In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much

Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”

Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”

My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.

me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?

Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.

9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?

Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?