Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.

Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!

[Garden of Eden]

Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend

Eve: I thought I was your best friend?

Adam: I love you

Eve: aww I love you too

Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs

Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares

Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.

7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.

Well, I WAS having a nice day.

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.

‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!

In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.

A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.

Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting

NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.

“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”

🤣

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter