Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
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Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
so, is there a mister shapen head
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
💻🤡
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
time for some seasonal decor
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.