Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”

*nervous glance at dog

Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

Dracula: *transforms into a bat*

Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula: *tiny voice* yes

For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me

stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!

Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

Me: [smiling]

Phone: face not recognized

Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]

Phone: oh there you are

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.

The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.

*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?

Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!

Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE

interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?

me: flattery

interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?

me: that smile

interviewer: 😳