Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
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“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Mmmm canned fish.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.