when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
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The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.