Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫

“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”

Me – *fast forwards to the end*

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers

Grocery store

Me: reach something for me?

Tall guy: sure thing!

Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.

Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.

I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.

Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.

But I really needed water water water

George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time

Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!

just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio

When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.