Me taking notes in a meeting đ
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If youâre cremated, you canât roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
IKEA is fine if you donât mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
sliding into dms like
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
What an awful time to have common sense.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isnât. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Just thought Iâd let everybody know that
I passed my paintball examâŚwith flying colorsâŚ
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like âbtw, this only pays 30k so if youâre looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhereâ so I said âok I willâ then he was like â?? wait noâ lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row youâll discover that theyâre just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so whereâs Jesuszilla