Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

3yo: can we watch something?

Me: sure what do you want?

3yo: anything but the maps.

It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.

Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.

Friend: Flyers for what?

Me: Some club called VIOLATION.

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

Me: You’re getting so tall!

Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.

Me: …Oh.

Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.

Me:

Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.

I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀

Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same

I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No