Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
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Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
this is me
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.