Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
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“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter