Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
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I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Don’t tell me what to do
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?