This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
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cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Breaking news:
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
for all #parents out there
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
