My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
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Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
#dnd #ttrpg
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.