In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
You Might Also Like
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
This is I, Robot all over again
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
