The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
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If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.