pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
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Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Webb. James Webb.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.