Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

[Dinner party]

ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.

HOST: MY TURTLES!

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case

Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old

It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse

Finally, an instrument I can play!

Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

Me: I don’t like you now

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

Every time my phone rings

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.

Friend: why?

Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.

Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread