Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
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ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
🤔😂😂
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.