Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same

How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?

I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit

pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there

Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.

Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy:

I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

Not today. 😅

My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.

Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”

‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.

Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.

I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.

I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.

Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.

Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.

me: “it hurts when i pee”

doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.