Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
American voters doing the deep research today before voting.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
