Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.

Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.

“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.

me: ask them who their CEO is

My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”

breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.

Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.

When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!

To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…

I put the p in pants.

I bet

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.