We’ve all been there…
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My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.