Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.

Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?

netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*

My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no

What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”

Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.

Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right

Wife: “Tony is coming round”

Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”

Tony: “I’m here for the money.”

*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.