Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.

Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”

I found your tweet-up…

Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.

My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor

JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!

– Me pulling up Blinds

Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.

are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google

UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”

UK, 2020 –

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

Help

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny