When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
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When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Realize this:
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.