The more things change, the more they stay the same.
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A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.