seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
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Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
a lot to unpack here
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend