New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
You Might Also Like
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’