Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!

Me: Well, today sucked.

Him: It’s 9 AM.

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.

Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”

Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.

I already tried new things thanks.

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10

7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?

Me: Cooking dinner.

7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?

Me: I have no idea.

Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

ME: *lying on deathbed*

DEATH: get off my bed

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know

Optometrist: better or worse?

Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.