Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.

A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

B: You mean a choir?

A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.

Velcrow

“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”

emergency phone

*working in pediatric ER*

me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!

kid: what is that *points to badge*

me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha

kid: it looks the same today

me:

To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does

You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.

2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!

2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.

I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist

nurse: how do you rate your pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

coworker: you should try my therapist.

me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.

banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.