Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough

Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.

me: shoot for the moon

astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates

Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.

I want you to meet my friend “Ami”

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.

GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.

“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”

“I have none.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“It’s true, I have no friends.”

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

oh you like nyc? name every rat

What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.

Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.

Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year

we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.

My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems

Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape

Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok

Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no